Monthly Archives: April 2007
Last weekend I saw my worst nightmare come true.
I was up for our early morning nursing session.I woke up DH to pass me some water and the baby’s medicine.He did and was on his way to the restroom ,when I saw him stumble and fall down. I thought may be he was too sleepy or that he didn’t see the bed..BUT No! he just passed out. I kept calling his name, SS started to cry and spit up. I was holding her in hand and tried to help DH with the other.. but no luck. I grabbed the phone to call 911 and that’s when he got up. I helped him to bed and asked him what had happened. He had no clue. He thought he was sleeping. I suggested we go to the ER.He insisted that he was fine and may be was just too sleepy so he didn’t mind sleeping on the rug..huh?
And then he dozed off again on the bed.By then,SS was sleeping too. But I couldn’t sleep.I started looking for a General Physician online. OK, now here is the deal.We moved to Phoenix around 6 months back,when I was just stepping into my 2nd trimester. So, along with finding a new OB-GYN,we also had to find a GP and I did find one.But they require new patients to visit for a well check up.And that can take anywhere from half an hour to 1 hour..sometimes even longer depending on when you had your last well-check or physical. The workaholic that my husband is didn’t think that was worth wasting the time when he could well be working. His logic being that his non-pregnant self didn’t need a doctor.
In the last 6 months, he has been losing weight progressively, getting irritable, looking paler.. but he always shushed my worries and complains as fussing of a loving wife. I am your man ..I am strong enough to take care of you and me! I still went ahead and booked appointments for him with the GP, but he made me cancel them.Once because he was too busy at work, and another time because that very day, we found out that my amniotic fluid was dangerously low and I was put on bed rest. There were days when he would come home from work and doze off on the couch..I would be worried at times and irritated at others, depending on how I was feeling that day.And every time I said something about it, he would just say that he was over worked.he didn’t want to take a day off .. because what about work?!!!?? and then I also stopped telling him.. thinking that he would slow down once the baby is here.
So, the baby came 15 days early. She was born on a Friday and he took Monday and Tuesday off.The plan was that he takes the next 10 days- 2weeks off,to help me with the baby. But his team couldn’t do without him and kept calling him ..Again he decided to finish “this task” and then take it easy. There were more “this task”s to follow…some days he was up till 5 am n then go to office at 9.00.
So,back to Saturday morning, I called up the GP’s office and they were closed.I tried 2 more and they wouldn’t take him and asked us to go to the ER and then call them in the following week. He still insisted rather vehemently that he was fine. I was still not convinced and called his friends. Asked them if they could take us to the ER!I decided to get a licence ASAP that day. We went to the ER, after waiting for 3 hours, they finally took him in and started the tests.To begin with, he was under-weight.They monitored his heart by an EKG and found something irregular there. That alone meant that he was staying for the next couple of hours.They hooked him up on IV, ran some blood tests . They found out he had DIABETES.His blood glucose level was so high, the doctor was surprised ,when we said, we didn’t know about it. HE thought that may be DH had forgotten his medication or gone off the diet!
And,that’s not all.. he had high blood pressure.He had to stay overnight in the hospital. His B.glucose and B.pressure were being checked every 6 hours. And his heart was constantly being monitored.Thank goodness, his heart checked out fine.Blood pressure also stabilised with medication. But the diabetes is something that we have to deal with and work to control.
But there are no words to describe the helplessness I felt….seeing your loved one sick in a hospital bed, hooked on to a heart monitor really breaks your heart. I remember feeling the same helplessness when my dad suffered his first heart attack almost 10 years back. He was also over-worked, over-stressed; my mom had passed away about an year back.. and though he didn’t say anything to us, i know it must be on his mind..
I remember feeling the same way at both the times-the feeling of extreme anxiety… like there is a fist grasping your heart and you are choking. Both the times I was brave ..handled everything calmly but couldn’t stop crying when I was alone.I cried so much even this time that at the end of the day, i don’t think i had any tears left. The only difference was when my dad was sick,I was in India,surrounded by family .I had my sister by my side, who had the same feelings for that person lying in the hospital room .She knew exactly how I was feeling.. and likewise I was the only one who could console her, give her courage.. because I was going through the same hell.Here I had friends, who were great.. They were a great support to me …despite our short acquaintance.
Thanks Hetal and Jerry.. you guys are really great. I really appreciate all the help,especially the way you took care of me n my baby girl. It really means a lot to me. Hetal is this quiet girl, always soft spoken.. she tried her best to distract me in the waiting room and even later.. kept lending her silent support. Jerry,on the other hand , has this calm cool way of speaking..its just so reassuring to talk to him.And though it was just the second time I was meeting him.. still his presence had a calming affect on me.
Thankfully the whole episode is behind us.. and diabetes is something that we have to deal with and adapt our lifestyle accordingly.DH did take a week off and is feeling far more refreshed now than ever before. There is something therapeutic about babies.. they just have a healing influence and a great mood boosters.. I think SS has played a great role in calming her dad down.
If you are still reading, I would just like to say- Don’t neglect your work, but don’t neglect your health either.Don’t put your health on the back seat. And if you cannot remember when you had your last physical or if it has been more than a year,its time to schedule one.
Take care and God bless…
Last night I was up feeding SS,and then after feeding, burping, changing she went right back to sleep but I had to stay up , because I had to hold her upright for the next 30 minutes so that she doesn’t spit up all that she painstakingly gulped down. I looked longingly at my bed, grudgingly at DH sleeping peacefully on his side of the bed and then I looked down at my beautiful baby, sleeping cozily,cuddled up in my arms and I knew that this was all worth it. Sure I love my sleep and get irritated when I have to get up in the middle of the night.I hate it even more when the whole world is sleeping.. well, at least MY whole world is sleeping and I am awake.. But this is my baby, and because I brought her in to this world,I have to take care of her.And because I love taking care of her.She didn’t ask to be born..I had her because I wanted her in my life.Will I hold it against her in about 20 years time? Heck, No!!
The reason for my rambling – As I was sitting there holding her,I was reminded of an incident that took place about 3 years back. A few weeks after we got engaged,DH got a great job offer and the company wanted him to relocate to Chennai and then go on site. He had his interview just before our lunch date and gave me the great news when we met. He was thrilled, on the top of the world.Now, DH is not a very expressive person..Well..he was not , back then.. now he is becoming more and more expressive..Anyway, Though he was not a very expressive person.. he was visibly excited and was talking 19 to a dozen about the new job and the great opportunity and what this could mean for us. We decided to go to his place and break the news to his parents. So, we reached home,sat his parents down and he broke the news. The grinner, that I am… couldn’t stop grinning… waiting for his parents to react. And did they?? Sure they did!
Father asked him all about the job, salary structure,why relocate…etc etc.. Mother ..OH well that’s another story.She, all but accused him of purposely looking for jobs outside Mumbai. She didn’t hesitate for even 1 minute before crushing her son’s happiness..Her reasons being that they took care of him when he was a kid.. rushed him to the ER when he was 6 months old.. in the middle of the night,running out of the house barefoot!And so he was being ungrateful by taking up a job away from home.Even in my love crazed-I-am-so-proud-of-my-guy state of mind,I knew there was something was not right there. DH was obviously taken on this guilt ride and was in a way relieved when that job offer didn’t materialise later for some reason. But as a mother now.. I know I am not doing anything great by raising my kid. I am doing it more for myself than for her.It is something that I want to do.. not something that she asked me to do. She didn’t ask to be born,I decided to have her!If God Forbid, I need to take my baby to the doctor at 2 am..I will run out.. in the state that I am… not just barefoot.. i wouldn’t hesitate to run out naked.. Okay well not naked.. but the point is.. you don’t think,when its your baby.You don’t spare a thought for anything.You just do it. And you definitely don’t use it to hold her back.That peaceful sleeping face, that adorable smile its all reward enough. When my daughter has to make a career choice or any other important decision,I hope to God,I can be there to support her decision. And instead of holding her back,I hope I can hold her close and tell her that it is the best thing that happened to her and she should go ahead and make the most of it.
Why do some parents expect the child to be grateful for what they have done for him or her? Will I also be that kind of a parent?Will I expect something in return for what I doing now? Something other than love for the loving care I give my baby?will she not be doing this for her kids?
So, after a lot of thinking I decided to post this on this blog, something that SS can use as a written proof , if later on in life,her mommy decides to act all crazy !
Dearest darling SS,
May you grow big and strong. May you be successful in all you do. And we promise to be there for you , at all times…
And we want you to be comfortable with us and to be confident enough to share everything with us… even if you commit a crime, we want you to be comfortable to come and tell us what you did..( not that I am encouraging you to be a criminal) I just want you to know that we are there for you!
Love you loads..
And I cant just end this post without saying something to two very special people-
Thanx Papa,for being there for me & sis…Thanx for loving us completely and unconditionally..Thanx for accepting my choice as your own..Thanx for supporting DH & me , when we needed it the most..
And Mumma,I know you are watching over us..Now that I am a mom, I need you and miss you even more..Thanx for loving us the way you did… Thanx for being the kind of mom that I want to be..Love you guys!
Sunshine turned 3 weeks old yesterday!!Time flies! It seems like yesterday that we went to the hospital and got her home.. First week home is a blur in my mind..Lack of sleep..midnight feedings..doctors’ visits… feeling disoriented , getting teary-eyed at anything and everything..loss of appetite.. feeling extremely hungry.crazy crazy days.
The second week home saw us settling into a routine slowly. Atya (my aunt) visited us for a few days.While she was there, we compared parenting style-yeah .. yeah I know I am a brand new first time mom.. but come on..I have my own ideas about raising my child.Anyhow, I will discuss that in another post.This post is about Sunshine turning 3 weeks old.
3 weeks old and 3 milestones-
* We took Sunshine out for her first Official outing,yesterday. Not doctor’s visit… not mom’s mommy- shopping… but an actual outing to a Persian restaurant.I don’t remember being so anxious in a restaurant ever.The reason- I didn’t want SS to wake up with a messy diaper. I was brave enough to take her out but not brave enough to take her to a public restroom.Thankfully ,she slept through the entire meal..and woke up just before dessert. We got our desserts to-go.
P.S. MM, as I write this..I remembered you took Beanie baby out soon after you C-sec too.. Way to go gal!I went back and read your post…and remembered something similar…will post about it soon.
*SS smiled for the first time!! And NO! it was not GAS! And NO!she was not sleeping!! She was wide awake. I was singing ‘Ole Mac.Donald’ and a non-stop rap of other rhymes and songs…(Yeah …I am that mom!) DH came and stood behind us and started talking to her. And She SMILED!!Yayyyy she looked at him and smiled. It was the sweetest smile ever. I had read just yesterday about babies smiling by the time they complete the first month.I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. DH repeated the same baby-gaga again.. and she smiled again. Now, I wanted it on camera. DH got the camera and repeated the same words again.. And she graced us with yet another smile!!! SS, darling you made mamma-papa so happy today!
* SS got her first massage. Ever since SS was born, everyone has been telling me , how we would have been pampered if we were in India..Daily massages for SS and me.. My granny tells me that every time I talk to her.How she wishes I was in India.. how she would have massaged her great-grand-daughter.. I feel so bad every time someone says that..be it my granny or some aunt or some other relative. I was waiting for her cord to fall and then I was going to start her massages..So her cord dropped on Monday evening but her belly button was still not dry. Today it seemed dry and closed.. So, we had a massage session.. Mom& daughter-pamper session , with dad looking on. . She cried when we started,relaxing little by little.. by the time I got to her back, she was so chilled out, she had this peaceful expression on her face! Hence proved, SS loves a good back rub!
Last three nights,Aadya had a lot of trouble falling asleep and eventually when she did fall asleep, she had trouble staying asleep.
We took turns holding her, rocking her.. talking to her, singing , but nothing worked.
DH suggested changing her swaddling blanket, and I did.I even changed her outfit. That helped a little but she woke up again in a short while.
After countless diaper checks and changes, feedings, burping and the works, we were at our wits ends.
I held her close.. The more she cried, the closer to tears I got. Finally I started kissing her face.. and she started nuzzling too.. and … she loved having mommy’s cheek so close to her own..That’s how my little angel slept.. Cheek to cheek .
She loves sleeping like that.. She wants to stay that way till she doesn’t drift off the sleep.And then I finally put her in her crib.
DH grabbed his camera and clicked a snap.
When I saw the snap,I got so emotional ..( yes! again!) Even after all these years of being together, DH is still amazed at how easily I cry.
Everyday with Aadya is a new lesson..It is so amazing, this little person, just 20 inches tall and 20 day old means so much to me..This little love of mine, trusts me so much.. my touch is so comforting to her.. I don’t have words to write my feelings for her.Everyday she gives her mom’s life a new meaning.. something new to pen down and something sweet to shed a tear or two about.
That’s my new title.
We were at her Pediatrician’s office and I wanted to ask something to the nurse,before leaving. And the receptionist called out to her- Wendy, Aadya’s mom wants to ask you something!
Aadya’s mom..It sounded so natural.
I remember every time that someone introduced me as my dad’s daughter..or DH’s wife..I always felt a little .. how should I put it..miffed??? I always felt that I have my own identity and why should I be introduced as some one’s wife or daughter.. why not just as me, the person. But somehow, when I was addressed as Aadya’s mom ,it just made me feel so good..made me feel like a complete person and yet again, made me so emotional.
Thank you, baby girl, for making me a mom.. Thank you for completing my life!Thank you for completing me!
Two of my close friends,( you guys know who you are) told me that I am so motherly..Yes,I am..it just feels like the perfect job for me.. my baby doll was the only thing lacking in my life.
Here’s to mommyhood.. and hoping to enjoy every second of it!
So, I never got around to writing everything about my pregnancy.. Baby SS came early.. A good lesson for mommy- Babies wait for no-one!
But my pregnancy journal wouldn’t be complete without these sweet memories-
Baby SS gets hiccups-
It was sometime after lunchtime. I was lying down on the couch,reading a book. And suddenly i thought I felt heartbeats in my tummy. HUH?? whats going on? Immediately I googled it.. and found out that Baby SS was having hiccups!! hehee Hiccups.. My baby ,standing on her head and having hiccups..It was so funny and special! I called up DH at work and told him immediately. He asked me how I knew.. I told him what was happening and he googled it too.I had my 24 weeks visit that day and we reconfirmed it with the doctor too.She would have hiccups for 20-30 mins at a time.. and that continues even now!
Dad feels his baby kick-
Ever since I felt the first fluttering I wanted DH to experience it too. And he was looking forward to it too.So, every time the baby started kicking, I would grab his hand and put it on my belly.. but either he couldn’t feel anything or the baby would stop kicking! So, one night after dinner.. We were still sitting at the table, chatting and she started to kick.. I grabbed his hand and put it on my belly, yet again. only this time in my rush, i pressed a little hard.And she kicked him hard!!! He had a stiff neck that day! but that kick made him forget that.. He hugged me so tight..We both had tears in our eyes!
After that first introductory kick..dad was really excited.Whenever we were sitting ,relaxed and baby was moving, he would ask me to keep his hand where i felt the kicks. And when I guided him to the right spot, he would pat there.. and if SS was in an indulgent mood she would oblige by kicking back and playing with her dad.
Finally,I got around to post part 2 of my birth story.DH is out grocery shopping and Baby SS is sleeping.
So, sometime between the final decision and the actual surgery,I was examined by at least 3 nurses and 2 doctors. And then the Anaesthesiologist came to talk to me and explained everything and asked me if i had any questions.Uh, Yes I did! One of my high school teachers had gone into a Coma due to a wrongly administered Spinal and I was nervous and just needed a reassurance or something to calm my nerves. So, I asked him what were the chances of something like that happening. And he tells me.. Sure you can die. I wont lie to you. This is a hospital, anything can happen! WOW Thanks for being so brutally honest. I looked at DH and DH at me!
So, I decided that if i am going to die.. i will die , talking.. even if I am flat on my back and with an opened up belly! And yes I hated him!
Fast forward to OR-
I insisted on walking to the OR,my last pregnant walk for a while. And I did it as gracefully as possible. Anyone who has worn a hospital gown will know what i mean. Anyway, I got my spinal and was prepped for the delivery.DH came and took a seat near my head. And we were chatting, Dr. giving us a blow by blow description of each step. It was like a dream.I felt like an outsider watching someone else’s life. I asked for Oxygen! LOL!I was feeling dizzy and seeing stars.. The Anaesthesiologist asked me if I saw Brittany Spears..I said no Indian stars. By then I had softened towards him. he gave me O2 candy!!hehehe
OK Dad, get your camera ready! Huh? already? “yes! we are going to get the baby out!”
DH stood up, to take a peak behind the curtain and he had this enthralled look on his face!
At exactly 8.33pm-“Welcome Baby Girl Aadya !” said the Dr.Is she ok? I asked “She is perfect!”said the Dr.
Take her picture ! Take her picture!! I am telling DH and he is still in a daze, looking at his daughter. I am pulling his hand.. and he doesn’t react.. TAKE A PICTURE!! Finally the doc told him.. “Dad you better take a picture.. don’t mess with mommy at this time!”
LOL!And at that very moment she cried! Aww that was music to my ears.That jolted him to his senses and he started clicking furiously.. and then,they took her away..to clean and weigh her. His eyes followed his daughter..and the next thing I know is that his hand had slipped out of mine. He was no longer at his position by my head.. but was standing by his daughter’s side. So easy it is to slip into daddy shoes..
I had to wait a while longer before i got to see my princess.. DH was so in awe of her..He held her up for me to see – he just didn’t realise that all i saw of her was the blanket.. everything else was hidden behind her dad- showering her with kisses. The nurse had to tell him 4 times that it was time to go to the nursery.. he just didn’t seem to hear!He was not ready to let go. Finally I told him.. its OK, you go with her.. and off they went,without a backward glance!! The new twosome!My darling and our darling daughter!
I spent two days in bed(March 28th & 29th).I was cramping so badly..I was sure something was wrong. I called up the nurse and she thought it meant that my cervix was thinning and that i would go into labour soon.How soon is any one’s guess!
So,I waited. Come Friday morning,March 30th and the cramping is worse.Baby SS was also moving less.I called up the nurse again, and she said if she didn’t move 4 times in the next hour , then to go to Labour & Delivery. And she moved.
So,We just went for the scheduled NST. DH got stuck at work again and I lost my temper.I ranted and raved while he just calmly kept driving and when I stopped ranting he asks me if i want to attend a potluck with his colleagues!!That triggered another round of ranting!
Fast-Forward to L&D:
Baby SS was still moving less,NST readings were not satisfactory and so I had to stay longer.Then, they performed the biophysical profile test and she was still not moving much.
So,they decided to have me stay longer.At around 6.00pm,the nurse tried to stimulate the baby to move.. and boy did she move! I felt like there were 10 babies in my tummy for that1 minute.She moved ,her heart rate accelerated and then just like that it started to drop.The nurse called the doctor on call.DH was watching TV oblivious to all this..I yelled at him to check what was happening,he saw and ran out to get the nurse.. while i am holding my breath .. The baby’s heart rate had dropped to 60 .They put me on oxygen and that helped her a little. The nurses kept asking me if i felt the contractions but i didn’t feel any. They decided I had to stay back..I asked them how long and the doctor said..till you deliver the baby. And silly me is thinking.. “OH my God! What am I going to do in a hospital for two more weeks!!” Must have been high on oxygen or preoccupied with thoughts of yummy Dosas at our favorite local restaurant!! DH asked her are you talking of delivering tonight..She said yes.Then started the process of undressing and examining and more examining. I was checked by at least 3 nurses and 2 doctors .As it turned out I was 2 Cm dilated but the baby was not reacting well to contractions.They gave us time to consider if we wanted to wait or looking at the situation go in for C-sec.We decided to go for a C-sec as Baby SS was more important than anything else.At 7.00pm, the doctor came back and told us that she could start the delivery at 8.00
DH rushed home to grab the camera..Yes! our bags were in the car but Camera was at home!He lit a lamp,prayed.. while I spoke to my dad and shocked the daylights out of him.He was just getting ready to have his morning cup of tea when I called.He went and lit a lamp too.
They took me in at 8.00 .DH had just arrived, by the time he changed into his scrubs, I was already numb from belly button down.
More- in next post..
P.S.-I decided to go ahead and post this.. I have already saved this as a draft countless number of times..adding from one word to 1 line each time..