Category Archives: Mom

Wish Heaven had a phone..

Wish Heaven had a phone..

Today would’ve been my mom’s 57th birthday.This morning when I woke up,I checked facebook only to find a photo of hers.My sister had used photoshop and added my mom’s picture to a group photo. OMG!I know it was photo-shopped..I know it was not real..but it was so nice to see my mom in the same frame as my husband and babies..and more importantly my dad.
Seeing that picture made me happy and yet so sad and filled my heart with so much yearning for all that could have been. Not a day goes by when I don’t wish for her to still be alive.In my mind,I go through the various scenarios,that would’ve panned out differently,if she was still here.
Oh dear…how I wish I could just talk to her,update her about the kids activities,tell her how they are driving me up the wall or confer about a new recipe or tell her about what SD said. I have spent most of the day feeling so choked up or crying,every time I looked at the picture..I wish I had a magic wand and I could just change things..Or At least if heaven had a phone,I could just call her and cry and then,she would just ask me to stop it or being a typical mom,ask me to grow up 🙂 And all would be fine.
But no..I don’t have a magic wand and heaven doesn’t have a phone..so I’ll just have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and go on..meeting whatever challenges life throws at me,in the only way I know-head on with a big smile on my face..
Until next time…..

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Twinkle Star Aani

In our living room,on a table rest two photos-Photos of both pairs of Aadya’s grandparents.Until recently,she used to recognise everyone,but her Nani.In her mind,Nani is her Aani..my aunt.Why Aani,I will tell you- when we were small,we watched a pakistani drama,about two girls,who used to call their aunt(masi)-Aani.After their parents death,they went on to live with her.The Aani,was so like our aunt and we wanted to call her Aani..but our suggestion was vetoed by mom..and we sulked.
When Aadi came along,instantly,both sis and I said,she will be Aani for Aadi…and thats what she is.Aani has tried to make her say Nani..but she just goes on to call her Aani..and its a fond word for us all.
So,back to the post..Nani for Aadya is Aani..and Aani is truly the best grandma ever..and she does all that my mom would have done for her..and sometimes she does even more than that..But,it used to break my heart,that she didn’t know her nani.
I asked her one day,’Do you know that is in the picture?’ She recognised her Nanu and asked me if that was Aani.Mom and aunt resemble each other.So,I told her,she is her Nani..my mumma.She asked me,’is it Aani?’ I told her Aani is my masi and this Nani is my mumma.
She wanted to know where my mumma was..I told her she was at Jai-Jai Bappa’s house.Damn..why does it still hurt so much..?
Anyway,on the day of her b’day,we were going to the temple..and she wanted to know whats a temple and we said,its Jai-Jai Bappa’s home.Suddenly she was very excited..”WOWWWWW..I am going meet my Aani..Aani is going to pick me up..” We told her Aani is in Bombay..”No picture-wali Aani”,she insisted..”you told me,Aani is in Jai-Jai Bappa house..”
I had a lump the size of a golf ball in my throat.I said..no no not the temple home,the real home,in the sky..
She wanted to know,how Aani can stay there..?We told her there was a big house for her there…Anyway,we got to the temple..attended the Aarti and we ready to leave.She refused to leave.She wanted to see her Aani..That was all I could take.I didn’t know what to answer her.DH picked her up and pointed to the sky..asked her to look for the brightest star..when she did,he told her thats your Aani.
“Really?? “,she asked excited.She then wanted Aani to come in her car..DH was so calm..he told her to look out the windshield and see the moon..when she did,he told her,Aani is right next to the moon and she will be waiting for us at home.
As soon as we got home,she got out of the car and looked at the sky..she was happy to see the moon and her Aani.She tells us,Twinkle star Aani comes to her at night and tells her to go to sleep and not trouble her mumma-papa.
Today we recieved her b’day gift from Nanu and Masi and Nanu also sent pictures of Aani..Since then,she has been excitedly showing her Twinkle star Aani to everyone on the phone and webcam..Life is good now.

This child?My mother?My child?

This post is probably going to be as confusing as its title.
Today,as I was putting Aadi to bed,I was thinking of my mother. The reason being,my glasses.Many many years ago,a routine eye exam revealed that I was near-sighted and needed glasses.I was very upset and didn’t find the glasses very appealing.Like a normal,almost teenage girl,I thought the glasses spoiled my looks,and would shy away from wearing them,most of the time.Its another story that because of my vanity,I am almost blind now.Anyway,my mom would keep reminding me to wear my glasses.If I was lying in bed and reading,holding the book too close to my face,she would ask me to sit up and wear my glasses.It was like she was my glasses-police.
Over the years,I outgrew the vanity and realised that the glasses are not so unbecoming after all. And though now,I use contact lens when I go out,most of the day,I wear my glasses.Sometimes even go out wearing my glasses.Now at home,Aadi is my specs-police.She just doesn’t let me take off my glasses.Even compliments me,when I put them on.Its her almost crazy obsession,that makes me think of my mother..It was like my mum’s goal was to make sure I wore glasses all day long,so as to “decrease my power”.
As I lay in bed,cuddling with Aadi,helping her fall asleep,she snuggled up to me and called me by my childhood name and its not the first time,she’s called me by that name.The only people who ever call me by this particular name is my parents,and occasionally my aunt.My dad,and aunt haven’t addressed me by this name in front of Aadya..then,how I wonder does she know this name?And if its just a name of endearment,that she created,why doesn’t she use it for the DH?
I was still thinking these thoughts when she fell asleep.I sneaked out to the kitchen,to grab a glass of water.And what do I see on the kitchen window?A pale brown butterfly.At this time of the night! What is so special about the butterfly,you must be wondering.They say and we believe,that when a departed soul,of a loved one,is hovering near you,they appear in front of you,in the form of a butterfly.We,i.e.,my family started sighting this butterfly after my mom’s death..any time,there was a family gathering, or on important days,like birthdays,festivals,exams etc..Every time,we,the DH and I, moved into a new place,the butterfly was there to welcome us.When we had to do the unexpected road-trip,when I was 3 months pregnant..the butterfly was sitting on our windscreen,when not even a bird or insect was seen.And it was freezing outside.Call me crazy,call me superstitious,but when I saw the butterfly tonight,unknowingly,the first thought in my mind was,”Hi Mom!” ….And I had to write this post.
Somehow,it just explains,the unexplained peace,the unexpected closure to my mother’s death,that Aadi’s birth brought me..It also explains,why I never felt alone,when I was all alone,in the inital days,after she was born and the DH was stuck in work..It all makes sense..It does really.