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Of Angry mommies and Bedtime Stories

Every night,bedtime is the worse time of my day..I alternate between yelling at Aadi and feeling bad for yelling..DH is extremely busy,these days..(whats new?) and on most days dozes off before she does.But,before he dozes off,she asks him to tell her a story.Yesterday,even after the story,she was awake,tossing and turning,talking and singing,kicking the covers,throwing the pillow..2 whole hours had passed,since we came to the bedroom.I was at the fray ends of my nerves.I picked her up and threatened to take her outside.She started crying loudly,and something snapped..I just put her down on the bed..FORCEFULLY..with too much force.She kept crying more..And that made me realise my mistake.I immediately picked her up,rubbed her back..kissed her bum,and asked her,what was hurting,she said her cheeks and hands..I kissed them again and again..she was crying,I was in tears..I couldn’t thank God enough for the fact that she was alright..I kept getting rotten thoughts about shaken baby syndrome and the likes..and I got MAD at DH.She is a baby..but he should know better to give me a break..They both slept..and I couldnt sleep till 4 in the morning.The guilt just kept eating me from inside.
Today,right after dinner,we went for a drive and after we got back,told him,if he didn’t want his Princess to cry,then,he has to make sure,she sleeps before HE does. So,as soon as lights were off..she demanded a story.He obliged.Told her a long story about the Pandavas and how they were mischievious boys,who wouldn’t sleep..of monsters who fought them..and so on.At the end of the story,the Princess,kissed daddy and told him,
“Thank You daddy,that was a great story!”
We were both zapped..Daddy and princess are cuddled up now..HE is sleeping..she is talking..God Give me patience!

Edited to add: today,after 1 and half hour,I put her in her room..she cried her eyes out,said she was very sleepy,was quiet for 10 mins..then crying again..DH caved in,she came back to our bed..spent another half an hour chatting..while he slept..and my temper kept rising..finally she slept!
Mood Currently:Very Crappy!

She is but a baby…

…I need to remind myself.

Aadi is getting so advanced in most of the day-to-day things,that its easy to forget,that she is just a little girl,about to turn 3. And no I don’t mean it in the bragging way..I say it in the most matter-of-fact way.She understands our coded talks,she associated people and places,even if she has just met them once..
She started feeding herself,when she turned 10 months old.She was being fussy,when I was feeding her lunch and on her pediatrician’s advice,I started leaving the plate on her high-chair tray and she enjoyed eating on her own.Sometimes,now when she wants us to feed her,we get irritated..but then,realise,she is doing what a normal toddler would..and are grateful for the opportunity to baby her.
The reason for this post is something that happened today.I am trying to toilet-train her.She has been diaper-free for more than 6 months..both during the day and at night.But she still needs the diaper to go potty.I try to put her on the toilet almost every time,she asks for a diaper to go potty.Sometimes,I just give in,without a fight.The fact that she is going to start school once a week,next month..when she is going to be away from me,makes me want to hurry up with the last step of  toilet training.

yesterday again I put her on the toilet and she just had to go..but for some reason,she is scared of going potty in the toilet.She started crying..not the whining,not the tantrum..but real crying like her heart was breaking and she couldn’t help it.I relented and put the diaper on and told her that she could have the diaper,but she had to stay in the bathroom.That brought about a fresh round of tears. But,she stayed in the bathroom and she cried some more,and called me after she finished.

I kept thinking about it..She needs her privacy to do her big  job..she goes to an empty room and stays there till she is done.Or she hides in a corner of the living room,from where she can watch TV.I think it was being confined to a space not of her choice,is what made her upset.May be she likes the fact that she can choose,where to be and whom to keep out..But she likes this bathroom..Its nice and roomy..and when I say Roomy..it is.May be I should post a picture sometime.Anyway,she stayed in the bathroom,yesterday and I think something hit home.

Today,when she wanted to go potty,she asked me to take her to the toilet..on her own.I was surprised but,played cool.She sat on the toilet and tried to do her business.I mean she really tried..and then,looked at me and said,sadly,”I don’t know how to do it..Mommy,I am scared..” It broke my heart…It made me  feel like a parent who had let down her child,by expecting too much,unreasonably.I picked her up,hugged her and told her,I was proud of her,for trying and we could try again,tomorrow. And she was happy.I put the diaper ON and left her in the bathroom.This time she didn’t cry,just asked me,”Why do I have to be in the bathroom?”,with a childish pout,that we have come to associate with her questions. I told her..”Because you go potty in the bathroom..” and she accepted it..”Ok,Mom..”

She stayed in the bathroom and called me when she was finished.Alls well in Aadyaland..atleast till the next time we try toilet-training again..but I had to write this post,to remind myself to be patient ,to not push her before she is ready.

I had to write this post to remind myself that she is just a baby..and thats the way she should be….

What do you do

When you find your child eating a spoonful of dinner and then going to the bathroom to spit it in the toilet?
I am so angered and shocked by this discovery that I can’t even think straight.Aadi didn’t eat her dinner today.It was a hot day and I didn’t force her.I gave her some cold milk instead.When I was winding up the kitchen,for the night..she saw the leftovers and asked for her dinner.By then,it had cooled down a bit and so,I thought may be she wanted to eat.I served her a little veg pulav .She ate a few spoonfuls and then said I am done.I coaxed her a little more.I had served her less than a quarter cup of rice.Surely,she could finish that.She was dancing around,I coaxed her some more,threatened to not talk,she opened her mouth took a big bite and then ran away.I didn’t pay attention,thinking she is playing and will come back for the next bite,which she did.
Normally,I don’t encourage her playing/walking around while eating.She sits on the chair and eats her meals at the table.But today,I was also tired,so didn’t pay attention.Two mins later,DH called me to show the food that she had spit in the toilet!
I was so sad.I am so sad.Is that all my child values food for?We have told her about us being lucky to get food.That its a gift from her beloved “Jai-Jai Bappa”[GOD] and she says yes everytime.Does she even understand it?Or is it that she is trying to please me at no matter what the cost?It saddens me to think that I pressurised her to think and behave so slyly.
Anway,naturally she got a time-out.We told her to sit in her room and think about all the poor kids who didn’t have anything to eat.And when she understood how sad they were,she was to go and say sorry to Jai-Jai Bappa ,for insulting the food he blessed us with..and then say sorry to papa-mamma for wasting the food they worked so hard for.
She came out crying after 2 minutes,I think more because of the punishment,but she went and said sorry for Jai-Jai Bappa and her dad and me.Which makes me wonder again…did she understand anything or is she just aiming to please.
I was still annoyed at bed-time and yelled at her,which made her cry..which made me angry..When we asked her to stop crying/screaming,she ACTUALLY screamed loudly!Defiance??I don’t know..but I don’t want to be the reason,my sweet child turns into a defiant brat.I don’t want her to grow up,thinking that she is good for nothing or not cared for..or that she would be loved only till she kept us happy…BECAUSE,thats so not true.I don’t want her to change..to change to please someone else.
She is sleeping next to me and my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces.Starting tomorrow,I will try to control my temper..I really will.
Edited to add- after she appologised,I sat Aadi on my lap and explained that Daddy worked very hard in the office to get money so that we can buy food.Mumma works very hard in the kitchen,to cook..so that she can eat it.And it makes us very sad when she wastes food like that.She nodded,hugged us and said,she wont do it again..I dunno..what to think!…. Sad 😦